'Breaking News' by Troy Blackford
A murderer was invaded by Cuba this morning, scoring five goals.
"He seemed so happy," reported the perpetrator's father, who wasn't expected to recover ahead of prepared remarks. "We're very proud of him."
"Or her," according to the mother of the patient, though opinions as to the proper usage vary.
"Regular flossing is key," insisted several eyewitnesses, citing growing tensions and unexpected barometric indicators.
"Or her," agreed several others, declining comment. The case remains satisfactorily closed.
A panel of judges previously predicted analysts to wane over time, but were proven unfounded when preliminary reports suggested millions of recipients had tuned in for the latest installment before it could even be aired, prompting grumblings from some quarters that results had been rigged by a random sample of likely voters both before and after the findings were alleged to have occurred.
"We don't comment on rumors or speculation at this time," the victim's family announced Friday, pointing to tepid sales and an unusually warm referee.
More details are expected at the group's annual conference, which defied expectations by being the coldest on record, flying in the face of the ongoing negotiations of many longtime detractors.
"Not as good as their last one," reported a fan lined up since the previous Tuesday, shortly before invasion by guerrilla forces.
The church refused to issue a statement, putting years of opposition speculation to rest with a surprise upset.
"Today we can announce that this will be going live for our users over the next four to ten business days," a practice specific to hundreds of uploads in the late 1950's and seventies.
In advance of this news, throngs of worshipers gathered respectfully together last August to christen a lecture dating back to the Pleistocene epoch, typically reported to be on decline.
There were no survivors. though an infection has been targeted by experts for completion during the next available showing, set for wide release in the Spring and then rapidly awaiting a compatible donor, to be administered by an accredited defendant and followed by strenuous brushing, a development skeptics allege has already occurred behind closed doors.
"He didn't seem that happy," pundits sniffed, shortly before market close.
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