Friday, August 24, 2012

Uttoxeter to Biggleswade

There's a secondary contest going on that the UK has almost won, which shouldn't be confused with the BOOK THAT contest. It's a much sillier, extremely less $50-to-$250 pizza gift card winning kind of contest.

I said yesterday that, in light of my flagging book sales across the pond, in the place where so much of what I love has been spawned and whose people I count among the friendliest and most intelligent of any place I have ever encountered, a place steeped with extravagantly rich history and stomping ground to artistic luminaries everywhere - well, in this glorious place I value so much, I had sold an amount of copies of 'Critical Incident' that was considerably less than in my native United States of America.

I didn't take the news well. I wept and I cried until my trousers were sodden with my tears of shame. I had failed to connect with the people who I had, perhaps, wished most to impress! So I wept some more, and tried to aim my tears away from the six-outlet power strip that was nearby. Eventually, a steady stream of tears was pouring out of my face, and I accidentally, and unheedingly, moved my head ever-so-slightly and it resulted in... electrocution via tear conduction delivered directly to my eyeball, zapping me like lightning.

It was imminent doom, flipping me around as though it were a cosmic broomstick. I just stood there and tried to blink, but realized that I was only thinking about blinking. Nothing was happening.

Then I realized what would help. It wasn't that I was injured physically - in fact, the entire idea of electrocution via teardrops is less than a morbid fallacy.

I decided that if a certain number of people In the UK bought my book, I'd film a short movie talking about Uttoxeter and Biggleswade. I have already written the words and plan to use that ridiculous and cool 'AutoRap' with my tablet to do the words.

We're only one short.

This would restore me to partial sanity and perhaps save the world!

Which is why you should do the right thing, those who shop for their Kindle on the site. Get 'Critical Incident' for your phone, computer, browser, tablet, and Kindle

Don't feel left out, Americans! :)


  1. This would be amazing. If I liked in the UK, I'd buy *another* copy just to have you do this.

  2. I am sorry it was received better in the UK- but I like your plan. Sometimes great plans come from not being too happy about something...